Her face sagged long, her trembling lip hung low. Night Games was cancelled — called off early! Something about cops and robbers not getting along, even more than usual. Someone was caught, someone else received an elbow to the throat, there was a show of waterworks and much screeching.

And then Ash’s mom sent everyone home with the proclamation: “Night Games needs to be over now. Good night everyone.”

So she stood, still dressed in her best black ninja attire (excellent for skulking through the neighborhood shadows and evading the cops), face twisted in equal parts frustration and sadness.

“Did it really hurt, the elbow to the throat?” her mother callously asked.

“Yes!” she squealed.

“Okay,” her dumb mother said. “Just asking.”

The nerve of that mother. Nerve, I tell you.

The girl pulled herself up to the counter, ripping her black bandanna off of her neck and throwing it to the floor. She put her cheeks in her palms and sighed. “Mom, can I have some ice cream? I’m depressed.”

Her mother stifled a laugh, letting a guffaw escape into a dishtowel as she feigned a cough. And then the mother anointed the girl a real, true blue‘Tween, complete with the ceremony of knighting the girl’s shoulder with the ice cream scoop.

Two scoops, some Hershey’s syrup, and a squirt of Redi Whip later, things are already looking up.

(The mother is self-medicating as well, bracing for the years to come.)

All you need to do to get this kid moving is ask the question “Want to go to the dinosaur place?”… and he is bolting out the door with his shoes in his hand.

He drags me around the exhibits by my finger, growling at the huge skeletons. He’s not even afraid of the ones who could swallow him whole.

There are several indicators that your daughter’s soccer team may not be ready for professional level play. For instance:

Coach: Zoe, you go to midfield.
Zoe: Ok!… where is midfield?

**

Player: Coach, how will everyone know that I’m goalie if we don’t have a goalie shirt?
Coach: Just turn your shirt around backwards.

**

Player: What kinds of things are fouls? Kicking?

**

The first game of the year is always a refresher game. These girls have been out of practice for several months, but frankly they did great. This is the first year that Zoe’s team plays on the “big fields” rather than the mini-fields. She was most excited when she got to play goalie… of course with her shirt turned around backwards.

She had several impressive goal kicks. No, seriously.

There were a number of noticeable improvements over last season. For one, all of the girls ran in the right direction. Zoe only cried once during the game (wind knocked out of her), and she only “took a break” (lying down on the ground in the goal during play) once.

Deacon was very forlorn that little guys were not allowed to play, as evidenced in this picture.

*Oh ball, how you vex me so.*

But then he realized that you can steal a random kid’s soccer ball and use it as a seat! And after that everything was fine.

I love my kids.