I completely forgot my Saturday Latin Insult last week, so this week I’m making it a long one.

Montis Tu Quidem Mali In Me Ardentis Iam Dudum Iacis. Perge, Excrucua, Carnufex, Quandoquidem Occepisti Semel.

– “All along you’ve been splattering me with the seething lava of your viciousness. Come on, you torturer, you murderer, now you’re ready to blow, let’s see what you can REALLY do!”

(Plautus, Mercator)

It’s been one of those days. There are several things that I want and/or need to cover, and instead of breaking it all down nice and organized into separate posts, I’m just going to splat it all down here in one post.

First things first: a Saturday Latin Insult. This one is sassy, I’m not going to lie.

“Quo Fugit Venus, Heu, Quove Color?”

-”Where has all your sex-appeal gone? Ah, how did your blossom whither?”

(Horace, Odes IV.13)

I know, sassy, right? Say that to a woman in the Latin-know, and you’ll get a swift kick to the somewheres!

Second things second: I helped my BFF Diana paint her bathroom yesterday. I went up there with the intent of helping her paint for the entire afternoon, but we got sidetracked (I’m one of those gabby chicks) and ended up only painting for the last 45 minutes or so of my visit. My mouth opens and the stories fly and there can really be no stopping me. But it’s looking lovely, and — as this picture shows — my BFF is a cutie from any angle:

See, right there she is saying, “Put down the stupid camera and pick up the frickin paint brush!”

Third things third: I found some incriminating evidence on the glass panes of my living room doors. So far as I know, “Kiss Practicing” goes back hundreds of years. I remember practicing my kissing techniques on my pillow when I was in junior high. I’ve also heard that one’s own hand can be a decent thing on which to practice. However, I was still a little weirded out when I saw this:

Two things worry me here. One: my kids are 5 and 8, which I’m thinking is a little LOT young to be practicing kissing anyway. And two: Hello! It’s a door! Why is anyone kissing a door?

Another Saturday Latin Insult posted on an actual Saturday. I’m gettin’ good. Another shorty but goody, perfect for memorization!

“Insulsissimus Est Homo”

–”This man is the king of morons”

Catullus, poem 20

What’s this? A Saturday Latin Insult actually posted on a Saturday? Yepper. I’m on the ball today, folks. It’s a shorty, but goody… one you may actually be able to memorize and use.

“Deformis Anusque”

–A twisted old hag

(Martial Epigrams VII.75)

Again, a Saturday Latin Insult… posted a day late.

I’m feeling a little disappointed in myself. My posts have been a little weak. My brain has been a little scattered. I’m lacking whatever the “it” is that writers struggle to maintain. Sometimes you’ve got “it”, and sometimes you don’t. “It” comes and goes. But for the moment, my “it” is missing… for sure. So today I pour on a little self-pity, Latin style. Today I ask you to run away… run from my blog. Flee. Save yourself from my incompetent prose and underdone ramblings.

“Qui gravis es nimium, potes hinc iam, abire quo libet”

–If you are likely to be the really pernickety type of reader, do you mind leaving now? Just head in the direction of absolutely anywhere else.

(Martial, Epigrams XI.16)

Somehow I have managed to catch a summer cold. What’s with that? How does one acquire a cold when it never gets below 89 degrees in one’s house all day and night? It’s a mystery for sure. But in my feverish, light-headed, NyQuil induced state of bluckiness, I completely forgot to post up a Saturday Latin Insult yesterday. (Darn you germs, I say as I sneeze.) So I thought it very appropriate to post a little insult about snot and germs:

“mala pituita nasi”

-Nasty nose-dripping!

Welcome back to “Saturday’s Latin Insults”! Ready for seconds, I see. You’re very brave.

Today’s Latin Insult is something you can whip out the next time you’re out clubbing and find yourself being hit on by a super-annoying Roman.

“Ego iracundus sum, et tu libidinosus: vide, quam non conveniat his moribus.”

–I am a grumpy old sod, and you are obsessed with sex; you see–we are not really compatible.

(Petronuis, Satyricon)

Several years ago I bought a funny book for my husband, more for a gag than anything else. And guess what, I’ve flipped through it a few times, giggling, while I don’t believe he’s actually ever opened it. I suppose he and I really do have different ideas of what is funny… Anyhoo, this book is entitled : How to Insult, Abuse, and Insinuate in Classical Latin. I never took Latin during my school days and have always, in my mind, held those educated in the dead language to be of superior intelligence to myself. So all the while I get my giggles, I also hope that some of that smartness from the Latin is absorbing into my brain on a subconscious level. If not, oh well, it’s still funny.

This will be my first post in my new series dedicated solely to saying rude, sarcastic, funny, obnoxious, and sometimes self deprecating things in Latin. And I suppose since today is Saturday, I’ll just start doing it every Saturday and call it “Saturday Latin Insults”. The one I have chosen for today is appropriate because my face (heck, my whole body) is broken out in acne like that of a 14 year old. Seriously. I’m not sure what my problem is–normally my skin is rather radiant and lovely. But right now it’s pretty hideous. So with this first Latin quote, I take a stab at myself. But watch out, next week the stab may be at you!

“Colore ipso patriam aspernaris”

– “You disgrace your country, merely with your complexion.” (Cicero, In Pisonem)