Yup… watching grass grow.

Actually, for me this is very exciting. We have grass growing! w00t! Hasta la vista, dirt yard! And look, there’s more! It’s actually growing in patches!

Some day it will actually be a “lawn”.

Wow, people. I’ve been out of it. All of the symptoms were there. I knew I was ill. I knew that I should have gone to the doctor last week, but I kept putting it off. And then yesterday I could bear it no longer; I broke down and went to the doctor’s. Diagnosis: A raging bladder infection that’s moved along nicely to my kidneys where it is currently setting up camp and making my lower back feel as though it will surely explode if I breathe or bend my torso at all. I have flu aches. I have a fever and chills. It’s a nasty thing. So while in the doctor’s office (with both kids in tow), I got a shot of antibiotic in the rump. I bent over the table and looked in the opposite direction of my kids (just in case I actually winced or made a painful face) while the nurse stuck me. Zoe shrieked the whole time like the nurse was actually removing my kidneys right there in the exam room. She closed her eyes and shouted over and over: “Mom, tell me when it’s over, tell me when it’s over!” Jachin kept saying, “Stop screaming! But no, it’s not over!” Apparently, he couldn’t take his eyes off of it. He watched the whole thing in fascination (he admitted it to me later). But on top of the shot, I also have to take a round of oral meds, too. I truly feel like crap.

Last night at bedtime, I curled up on my son’s bed. The normal bedtime routine is to read or tell stories (in the dark) for a half hour or so. Rumpelstiltskin is a favorite. I really have that one down; the voices and everything. But last night I just wanted to close my eyes and die. So Zoe said, “Mom, since you are feeling crappy, we will tell you a story.” Then Jachin said, “Yeah, a FUNNY story.” And trading off every few lines (read: Zoe told most of the story while Jachin threw in a few zingers along the way), they began:

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who wanted to marry the prince…

…yeah, and she lived on a farm…

… So she went to the castle to talk to the King and Queen. And the King and Queen were like, “Why should we let you marry the prince?” And the young girl said, “Because I have lots of talents. Like, I can turn straw into gold!”

…Wow, that’s impressive…

So they took her high into a tower to a room that was filled from the floor to the ceiling with straw. And they said, “Okay, girl, if you can turn this straw into gold then you can marry the prince”…

…there’s no way she can do that…

…Be quiet! I’m telling the story! So the girl was crying because there was no way that she could turn all of the straw into gold…

…told ya…

…Jachin! Be quiet! I am telling the story!  So she was crying and then a troll-y little man climbed through the window and said, “Why are you crying?” And the girl said, “Because I told the King and Queen that I could turn all of this straw into gold, but I can’t…”

…”because I’m a big liar-butt”…

…”and they won’t let me marry the prince.” The troll-y little man said, “Oh, don’t worry. I can do that. But I’ll need some payment.” But the girl didn’t really have anything to give to the troll-y little man. So the troll-y little man said, “Well, how about if after you and the prince get married, you give me your first kid.” And the girl was thinking that she was never going to see the troll-y man ever again, so she said, “okay”. And then she went to sleep…

…thirty years later…

…Jachin, it was not thirty years later! It was the next day! Sheesh! So the next day the girl woke up and the room was filled from the floor to the ceiling with gold. And the King and the Queen opened the door and said, “Wow! You can marry the prince now!” So they got married…

…thirty years later…

…Ugghhh! Jachin, it was NOT thirty years! It was, like, two! So two years later the girl was a princess. And she and the prince had a baby. And the princess was sitting in the nursery rocking her baby. Rocking, rocking. And in through the window came…

…superman!…

…no, in through the window came the troll-y little man. And he said, “Hello, princess. Time to pay up.” And the princess said, “What are you talking about?” And the troll-y man said, “You have to give me your baby now.” And she said, “Oh, no! Please, please.” And the troll-y man said…

…”Fine, fine, stop your whining, princess”…

…He said, “Okay, here’s the deal. You have three chances to guess my name. If you can guess my name, you can keep your baby. If not, I get to take your baby and keep it.”

…”Yeah, and you can’t whine about it anymore”…

So the troll-y man said, “So what’s your first guess?” And the princess said, “Oh, ummmm, I don’t know. What could it be? Could it be ’super-diaper-baby’ ?”

…HAHAHAHA!…

And the troll-y man said, “Nope. Not even close. I’ll be back tomorrow night for your second guess.” And he climbed back out the window. The princess called all of the guards to run into the woods to find the troll-y man and get his name, but the guards came back and said, “Sorry, princess. We couldn’t find him”…

 …those must be some very darks woods…

…So the princess was very upset. The next night the troll-y man came back in through the window and said, “Hi princess! What is your second guess?” And the princess did not know! But she had to make a guess so she said, “Ummm, could it be…”

…”Bob”?…

…Hahaha! But the troll-y man said, “Nope. It’s not ‘Bob’. I’ll come back tomorrow night for your last guess.” But as soon as the troll-y man climbed back out the window, the princess put on a long cloak and she grabbed her scepter-wand-thing-a-ma-jig, and she followed the troll-y man into the woods. She searched all of the trees until she finally saw one that had a light coming out of it. She stooped down and looked in through a little window in the tree and saw the troll-y man, in his little tree house, dancing and singing in front of his fireplace…”

…no, no. He was singing and dancing and playing his new game called “Dance, Dance Revolution” on his XBox!…

…Jachin! He does not have an XBox!…

…Yes, he does…

…Ahhh! Fine! But it wasn’t “Dance, Dance Revolution”! It was “Guitar Hero”!…

…Hahaha…

…and he was singing and dancing and rockin out on his guitar singing “Oh Rumpelstiltskin is my name, but she’ll never guess it! Never, ever, guess it. And the baby will be mine!” (meedly-meedly-meedly guitar riffs) And the princess said, “Yeah! Woo hoo! I know his name!” And she ran back to the castle. The next night the troll-y man came through the window again and he said, “Hello, princess! This is your last guess. What is my name?” And the princess pretended for a minute to not know it and she said, “Oh, umm, I don’t know. What could it be? Umm, could it be… could it be… Rumpelstiltskin?” And the troll-y little man yelled,  “Whaaaat?? How did you know that?” And he kicked the wall and he yelled and grumped and climbed back through the window and no one ever saw him again. And three years later the princess had another 10 babies. The end….

…What? 10 babies? That’s impossible!…

… heehee, I know. That’s, like, 50 twins or something!…

They were right. It was an awesome story. Very funny. The Timpanogos Storytelling Festival started today. I think I may sign them up at the amateur level…

Last night there was a lunar eclipse. It was very visible and very cool from our time zone. Of course we had to get up at 4am to look at it (and take horrible pictures, thanks to a two-million watt street light and my keen inability to work my camera settings). But it was dang cool. Look around online to find some cool pictures of it. I won’t waste your time and optical energy by posting my lousy pictures…

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Today for “literature”, the lesson was on rhyming couplets. We read up on what a couplet is and what happens when a couplet rhymes (ummm, it becomes a rhyming couplet, duh). I then asked Jachin to read out loud for me several poems; one by Robert Louis Stevenson and another by Robert Browning. Jachin scanned through them, reading them silently before the big, oral production. When he finished reading silently he turned to me and said with complete seriousness, “Okay. Well. How should I read this? What is my motivation?”

And we haven’t even had a formal lesson on “motivation”… he may need an agent.

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We are planning a trip to Legoland and Sea World next month. After one whole week into school, I am very ready for a break. Jon is trying to possibly back out, but there has already been too much family discussion and excitement over it. We have to go now or the kids and I will all explode from disappointment. Plus, once I post it here, it HAS to happen.

So we are going to Legoland. We will dine poolside with Shamu. The end.

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My husband put up a post about the local City Council race. The names of the candidates make it a colorful race, indeed. Jachin and I drove around yesterday taking pics of the campaign signs for Daddy’s post. Yes, our family is neurotic… why do you ask? I pulled my son out of public school so we could drive around all day taking pictures of campaign signs so that Daddy could write a blog post making fun of their names. That’s how we roll.

Go here to read his post and see our great picture-taking skills.

I was a little taken aback when the pictures were all snapped and the giggles died down and car grew kind of quiet and then Jachin piped up: “So Mom, who are you going to vote for, anyway?”

I’ve been WAY too focused on clown jokes to think that far ahead…

I love, love, love my bike. I got it in May and I’ve taken it all over town all summer. Zoe learned to ride her two-wheeler without training wheels this summer, so the kids and I have been bike-riding fools. We biked to summer camp, to the park, to the local rec center, to grandmas, to cub scouts. Pretty much everywhere. My bike is a Trek 7000 WSD (”WSD” means: for chicks). It’s green and beautiful. You should go out today and buy one.

 Here is me (taken today) loving my bike:

I still need to find a sweet basket for the front. I currently wear a little backpack when I ride, to carry drinks and locks and what-not. I need to find the perfect basket… something with flowers or butterflies on it.

I’ll be sad when it gets cold and we get all of that fabulous Utah snow, and I’ll have to pack my bike away for the winter. *sniff* Dumb winter…

It’s been a few days. Where have I been? Here. At home. Freaking out that I am ruining my son because it has been 4 days into home school and he has yet to complete a science lesson, and so of course he is getting dumber by the minute because a child needs a good, solid 3 hours of science a day just to get by in life and what on Earth made me think that I could do this???

Wow. That was the mother of all run-on sentences. Oh no, see?? Run-on sentences! I am so unqualified! Is the word “unqualified”? “De-qualified”? “Misqualified”? “Antiqualified”? AHHHH!! OK. Take a breath. Count to something. I’m counting. Oh! I’m counting. I can do that! See, I can teach him counting!

Good hell. I never really knew what TGIF meant until today, folks. The idea that I don’t have to worry about lessons for two days makes me ecstatic. I am clicking that button in my brain that officially relieves me of worrying about it. I really can do that. I do it with Jon all the time. *flick!* The button is switched and that’s it! It’s a fabulous skill to have.

Also, our hydroseed was “sprayed” on last night. See:

Don’t you love the stakes and ribbons? “My wood stakes bring all the kids to the yard…” If the neighbor kids weren’t thinking about playing in the hydroseed before, they’re thinking about it now. They’re thinking they want to untie all of those ribbons and retie them to their bikes. Or something. I don’t know. I’m just thinking that bright ribbons may not be the best deterrent for small kids. And if the neighbor boys discover that they can actually pull out the stakes and use them as huge swords… well, it’s all over.

In other news, I went out last night to see “Becoming Jane”. *sigh* What a fabulous movie. I knew how it would end (with it being sort of a “true story” kind of movie) but I was still so bummed. Why, Jane, why? Marry him, you dope! Oh, and James McAvoy… one of my new favorite cuties. He totally fits into my mold of heros with accents possessing decent fighting skills. Plus he played a smashing Mr. Tumnus in “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe”… and we all know how I dig CS Lewis. Good movie. It gets a “yup” and if I ever decide to write another movie review for my Movie Review page, it may just be that movie. “Becoming Jane”… see it. And bring tissues.

And in more other news (wow, that made no sense), “War” came out today. Hello. Jason Statham. Do I need to say anything else on this subject? No. The answer is no, I do not. The movie will no doubt be a bit ridiculous, full of blood and face smashing, but again… we will have the swoon-inducing accents and fighting skills. I have put off looking for any reviews of this movie because if they are bad (and they may, indeed, be bad) I don’t want to hear it. I will not have a harsh word spoken about my Mr. Statham. Not a one. He is rad. Period.

Yes, I said “rad”.

Actually, I just said “rad”, “in more other news”, and “antiqualified”… all in one post.

Got a problem with that?

…it probably means that I have somehow melded with my house on a molecular level. I have become one with it, never to emerge from it again. Never to see the light of day.

Ok, it’s not quite that bad, but this homeschool thing is an adjustment. And I thought it would be tough on Jachin… but it’s really not so much for him. He’s diggin’ it. Me, on the other hand? Two days into it and I’m getting the shakes. I feel like I have cabin fever. Have you ever been snowed in anywhere for a few days? That’s how I feel. Except that it really makes no sense because the kids and I spent two hours at the pool today. In the sunshine. And we practically had the place to ourselves, because everyone else was at school! Hello! Non-crowded, sun-shiney, chlorine smelling niceness, and I manage to find a way to feel lonely and isolated. I’m a nut. It’s completely mental.

I’m hoping after a week or so I’ll feel better. I need to find my groovy routine. And more frequent nights out may be in order. Or something. Something…

On a peppier note: Did I mention that Jachin is diggin’ it? Cuz he is. Here is what he did today while his friends were sitting somewhere in a Social Studies class:

And did I also mention that there were only about 20 other people there? Notice how there is NO LINE for the slide? He just kept sliding down and then running straight back up the stairs to go again…

And here’s what they did yesterday at roughly the same time in the afternoon:

The best thing of all so far: they’ve hardly fought at all the past two days, despite being together so much. Knock on wood, this could really, truly, actually be a good thing…

Yay! We got through our first day of homeschool… and we are all alive, limbs intact, house in one piece. I call that a victory. We started out easy… just math, language arts, and we counted piano lessons as music today. When we got finished and logged our attendance for the day, I gave Jachin a hug and told him good job… and that it would get easier for both of us. He told me it might help everyone if I “acted less strict”. I told him I’d think about it…

Here are the blocks that came with his math kit. He used them today for his lesson. As you can see, the kids are playing with them even after “school” is finished.

Ok, ok, so they are building structures with them instead of using them to count by ones, tens, and hundreds. But whatever…

My baby. No longer.

Oh wait, it’s just Zoe on the piano… again.

This is what I’ve been hearing for the last hour. I did tell her to practice…

I love my naps on Sunday afternoons. Love them. Every week. Usually Jon and I will take a nap with the TV on softly while the kids roam the house freely for a few hours. And yes, the kids usually eat way too many snacks and watch way too many hours of cartoons, but frankly… I don’t care. I need my weekly nap.

The fastest way to give me a headache is to repeatedly interrupt my nap. I’m not sure why, but if someone wakes me, say, every ten minutes for a hour or so, I end up with a killer headache. And so it was this afternoon:

the scene: Jon and I are napping, the bedroom door closed. Jachin is supposed to be sitting on his bed until 3:00 (for naughty behavior at church). Zoe is eating yogurt (or candy) in the kitchen, watching Spongebob.

*our bedroom door opens*

Jachin: Mom, can I get up yet?

Me: What time is it?

(Instead of just telling me, he lifts my alarm clock off of my nightstand, putting it one inch from my eye to show me what time it is, knocking a diet Coke can off the nightstand and to the floor. Luckily, it was empty. It is only 2:40.)

Me: No, Jachin. Not until 3. And you have to write down how you intend to behave better next week.

Jachin: There is no way I am writing that. I will just think it in my head.

*door closes…loudly*

*door opens*

Zoe: Mom, I have to flush the potty but I’m afraid that the potty will wake Daddy.

(Incidentally, Mommy had been sleeping, too.)

Me: It’s okay. You can flush the potty.

Zoe: Are you sure?”

Me: Yes. Go flush the potty.

*door closes…loudly*

*the potty flushes quietly*

*door opens*

Zoe: I flushed the potty.

Me: Way to go. Close the door, please.

*door closes…loudly*

*door opens*

Jachin: Mom, can I get off now?

Me: What time is it?

(Jachin begins to lift my alarm clock. )

Me: Just tell me, please.

Jachin: It’s 3.

Me: Great. Did you write your thing?

Jachin: There is no way I am doing that, I said!

Me: Ok. Then no, you can’t get up.

Jachin: Ahhh! Fine!

*door closes… really loudly*

*door opens*

Jachin: Mom, look at this Bionicle I built. Isn’t he sweet? Look, the same pieces I used for his feet, I also used for his neck. Sweet, huh?

Me: Yes.

*door closes… loudly*

*door opens*

Zoe: Mom, we didn’t go shopping for my new school clothes and school starts tomorrow!

Me: It’s ok.

Zoe: No it’s not! I wanted to order the pony skirt. (www.landsend.com) We can’t order it by tomorrow! This is terrible!

Me: It will be fine. Close the door.

*door closes…loudly*

*door opens*

Zoe: Mom, I saw a cool site that has puppy games and you can dress up the puppy in cute clothes, but when they said “www dot something”, I didn’t hear what it was. Can you look up www.puppygames.com  and see if that’s it?

Me: In a while. Close the door.

Zoe: (skipping out the door) Puppy, puppy, puppy, puppy…

*door closes… loudly*

*door opens*

Jachin: Mom, did you sign me up for the Brick Builder club yet?

Me: No.

Jachin: Will you?

Me: Not this very second. Close the door.

*door half closes… leaving me to listen to what they are doing in the next room*

I hear the pantry door open and close several times. I hear someone jumping on the couch. I hear the refrigerator beeping because someone left it open a crack, but no one is closing it. My head is thumping. What’s the point? I get up, get some Advil, visit puppygames.com, and close the refrigerator door. No matter how hard I try, my children will not allow me to neglect them!

I’ll try again next week.