I was tagged by MamaMilton for a meme. Don’t laugh at the answers…

well, actually… go ahead and laugh…

4 Jobs You’ve Had

1. A magician’s assistant. Yeah, seriously. I wasn’t very good… and neither was the magician. But we brought down the house at the Dual Highway Day’s Inn with our “Cut the girl in four parts” box trick.

2. A lettuce de-core-er on a bagged salad assembly line. “Fresh Express” bagged salad, to be exact. I lasted at that job for a whole 3 hours. I left at lunch and never went back…

3. Bra and panty specialist at Victoria’s Secret. Okay, I totally just made up that title. But I really did work there for a year… through an entire pregnancy. It was horrible.

4. Receptionist at an internet start-up. The most boring on the list… but it’s where I met my husband, so it’s an important one. Ahhhh, the sweet memories of an email romance…

4 Films I Could Watch Again and Again

1. “What Lies Beneath”. I actually do watch this one pretty often while I fold laundry in the afternoons.

2. “Serenity”. There is nothing I don’t love about this movie.

3. “Becoming Jane”. I’ve been to see this movie twice already at the theaters and I’m sure I’ll see it again. And then purchase it. Just something about James McAvoy in this one…

4. “Saving Silverman”. I laugh everytime. Almost to the point of bladder control loss…

4 TV Shows I Watch

1. Seinfeld reruns.

2. Law and Order reruns.

3. Star Trek TNG reruns.

4. CNN Headline News.

(I’m not a huge TV watcher.)

4 Places I Have Lived

1. Hagerstown, Maryland

2. Smithsburg, Maryland

3. Salt Lake City, Utah

4. Orem, Utah

4 Favorite Foods

1. Macaroni and Cheese

2. Pumpkin pie

3. Crab… Like, a bushel of whole crabs, with Old Bay, on a table covered with newpaper. Yum-my.

4. Pumpkin pie. (yeah, I know it’s on there twice.)

4 Websites I Visit Everyday

1. Gmail

2. www.k12.com (Jachin’s online school)

3. nextstat.com

4. My own blog. I know… sounds pretty narcissistic… but usually it’s because I post nearly everyday.

4 of my Favorite Colors

1. Green

2. Light green

3. Dark green

4. Orange

4 Places I’d LIke to be Right Now

1. On a beach in Hawaii

2. On a cruise in Hawaii

3. On a bike ride in Hawaii

4. Hawaii

4 Names I Like But Wouldn’t or Couldn’t Use Myself

1. Teague

2. Ezri

3. Dax

4. McLovin

(There’s no real reason I can’t or wouldn’t use these names. “McLovin” I would only use for a pet, though.)

I’m tagging Sam, Beverley, and Leslie. You’re it!

A few years ago there was a news story about a little boy whose mother died in their apartment. The little boy, being scared of getting placed in foster care, continued to go to school, cooked meals for himself, and even paid the power bill. He was only 7 or 8, but he knew what to do to take care of himself. A week or so went by before anyone realized that the mom was dead. I felt incredibly sad for this little boy, but I was also so impressed that his mom had done an obviously phenomenal job at teaching him to be self-sufficient.  (He also sprayed the dead body with Lysol so the neighbors wouldn’t suspect anything, which was very icky… but still kinda impressive.)

What would happen if I died, I wondered. Would my kids know what to do? In actuality, if I died, my husband would come home at dinner time and they would continue to be raised with adult supervision. There would be no reason for them to have to pay a power bill by themselves. But still, I resolved to teach my kids to be self-sufficient. Therefore, my kids can: 1) cook a hotdog in the microwave (so they won’t starve), 2) dial 911 (so actual assistance will come), and 3) use a debit card (because money fixes everything…)

Today Zoe and I went to WalMart at lunchtime to do some grocery shopping. Being September 18th, it was also the release date of the most recent Barbie movie: Barbie as the Island Princess. We picked that up, too. By the time we got to the checkout, I was aggravated (as I always am when going grocery shopping). I moved all of the items from the cart to the belt, including the Barbie movie. Zoe screeched that she wanted to put the Barbie movie on the belt, so I moved the movie from the belt back into the cart, at which point she took it out of the cart and placed it back on the belt. In the very same spot where I had originally put it. She then climbed back into the cart to be higher in the air so that she could reach the debit pad… because once you have taught your children to use a debit card, you have relinquished any and all future rights to carry out any transactions on said card. I removed my debit card from my wallet and she snatched it from me. The screen on the pad asked: Was your cashier friendly today? Zoe pressed “No”, even though the cashier guy had made it a point to say hi and asked if we had found everything ok. In my mind I said a little prayer that the guy wouldn’t be written up for being unfriendly. Then Zoe slid the card through the card reader. It beeped at her because she slid it too fast.

“Do it a little slower,” I said.

“I know!!” she screeched. “Don’t tell me! I know!” If I instruct her, it lessens the amazingness of her being able to do it herself.

Next, it asked for the pin number. She knows this number, but sometimes she forgets. I started telling her the numbers.

“I know!” she yelled. She put in three numbers and hit “enter”. The pad told her that a pin has four numbers. She was mad. She hit “cancel”.

The screen on the pad then asked her “Was the store clean today?” Zoe pressed “No”, even though the store had been pretty ok, even by WalMart standards.  She slid the card again and then — again — put in three numbers. The screen told her — again — that a pin has four numbers. She gave an exasperated “Ugh!” She pressed “cancel” again. At that point, she somehow selected Spanish instead of English. The screen asked her “Was your cashier friendly today?”… only in Spanish.

She yelled at the top of her lungs: “NOW IT’S IN STUPID SPANISH!” and hit “cancel”.

I turned and smiled at the Hispanic lady standing behind us in line. She smiled back, but I believe she wanted to punch me and spank my daughter. She turned and said something to her friend, in Spanish, which I didn’t understand…  but it was probably something about how I was rewarding my bratty daughter for her racist remarks by buying her a new Barbie movie.

Finally, Zoe slid the card, managed to put in four correct numbers… in their correct order, and completed the transaction without offending any other gender, racial, or socio-economic classes.

If I ever really do die, I hope Jon makes it home from work before the kids have to take themselves grocery shopping.

When I was a kid, my little brother and I had this voice we did. It drove people crazy. Especially my step-dad. I don’t know who made it up first, my brother or me, but we could both do it and we sounded identical. We would walk around just saying, “Hi, how are you?” “I’m great.” And then we’d do this “heeheehee” that was particularly annoying to the auditory senses.

(I should add here that I thought about the possibility of making this post a video post, so you could hear the voice. But when I stood in front of the mirror and actually watched myself do the voice, I was embarrassed for myself. Really, Self. It wasn’t good.)

Instructions: In order to do the voice, you have to close off part of your throat. The only way I can instruct you to do this is to put your chin down almost into your chest and then try to talk like you’ve just sucked up a boat-load of helium. Once you kind of get the idea of how your throat needs to feel, you won’t have to put your chin into your chest anymore. As a grown-up, I can do the voice with my head almost completely upright. Almost. But not completely upright, which is why I look like a moron when I do it in the mirror.

Anyway, several years ago a Disney movie came out that shocked the crap out of me. (Not literally, but, you know. Whatever. I like to say “crap”. ) It was a little flick called “Lilo and Stitch”. Perhaps you’ve heard of it. The story centers around a little blue mutant alien who disguises himself as a crazy dog. Oh yeah, and he has a really annoying voice. MY annoying voice! Someone totally ripped off our voice! Are you telling me that one has to travel across thousands of alien galaxies to hear a voice that my brother and I were doing in Cow-Town, Maryland in 1985? If only I knew then that I could trademark it… well, I probably wouldn’t have actually trademarked it. Have I mentioned it’s a tad annoying?

But moving on, my daughter thinks that it is hilarious that I can say “Ohana means family” in a pretty dang good Stitch voice. Then, keeping in irritating character, I will continue: “Sleep means, get your butt in bed, Princess Freaky Toes”. (“Princess Freaky Toes” refers to the freakish dexterity of her toes… but that’s for another post.) And continuing on a la Stitch: “Dream means, drool all over your pillow so your face sticks to it”. She laughs so hard her freaky toes hurt.

Perhaps I will swallow my pride and do a video post. Maybe I’ll do it in a dark closet so you get all of the voice (and metal hangers clanging) and none of the goofy face.