All you need to do to get this kid moving is ask the question “Want to go to the dinosaur place?”… and he is bolting out the door with his shoes in his hand.

He drags me around the exhibits by my finger, growling at the huge skeletons. He’s not even afraid of the ones who could swallow him whole.

I’m not a big book reviewer. It’s not that I don’t read books — I read quite a good bit — it’s just that few books move me to the point of writing anything about them. I think the last one I mentioned was The Forest of Hands and Teeth (a zombie romance), and that was a few months back.

Well, I’ve got one for ya. The title is Milrose Munce and the Den of Professional Help.

Milrose is a kid who sees the ghosts of the dead students from his school. The dead jocks (most of them idiot football players who died doing something stupid on the field) occupy the basement. The second floor is where all of the emo poets live (one died while trying to fake-commit-suicide in order to get people to take his poetry seriously). And the third floor is where all of the science geeks died during tragic experiments gone terribly awry (one kid died after finding that liquid nitrogen did not make a refreshing beverage). Milrose worries the school staff, who see him talking to only himself, laughing at people who aren’t there, and arguing with pretentious poets who also aren’t there. As his teachers and parents worry over his mental well-being, he is sent to an unseen part of the school known as the “den of professional help”, where a professional is waiting to cure him of his craziness.

This story is clever and funny. I laughed out loud many times while reading it. There was so much snorting and laughing, in fact, that my family would look at me to see why I was making so much noise, disturbing their viewing of Scooby Doo. (It should be noted that I rather like Scooby Doo, so the fact that I ignored it in favor of this book is saying something.) The narrator’s voice reminded me several times over of Lemony Snicket’s voice in the Series of Unfortunate Events books… without the tedious, annoying definitions of words. Milrose is smart, sarcastic, and can dead-pan a joke like nobody’s business.

This book is also clean — profanity speaking. I just started reading it to Jachin at bedtime… Milrose’s dialog is fun to read out loud, though I doubt I really do it justice.

Here’s the stinky thing: this book is tough to find. I got it as a free Kindle download a couple of months back. The Kindle version is still available for cheap (I think about 4 bucks). However, if you try to get it in paperback, you’re out of luck. Because it’s published in the exotic country known as Canada, it’s only available as an import or through third party sellers… for about $80. Crazy. But if you can find it at your library, or if you have a Kindle, I highly recommend it.

Crazy Sock Day… occasionally it’s an official theme for soccer games.

Yes-huh.

And the Wicked Witch of the West is jealous… cuz Zoe brought it tonight.

Did you catch those?

These tights and socks are actually mine… and in the fall and winter, I sport them under jeans all. the. time.

No, seriously. I love them.

(Funny story: I once wound up in the hospital while sporting the cross-bone socks… the nurse giggled at me the whole time I was there.)

But these lucky things led Zoe to score one of the team’s only two goals tonight… so who’s laughing now?

I know… the teen years… I’m so in trouble.

We went to the ward camp out a couple of weeks ago. Our neighbors, the Heatons, have some of the coolest outdoor games and activities. Homemade stilts; a game that’s similar to table hockey, only played with a ball and big sticks; sawdust candy toss…

And then there’s the mother of all of their outdoor games. I don’t know its official name, but I just call it the Kid Thrower. It’s a big old piece of canvas with hand-holds along the sides. Several adults grab the hand-holds, someone’s child is loaded into the middle, and then said child is thrown into the trees. No, seriously. I think it’s what the pioneers played to get the same serious injuries that present day children acquire from rickety trampolines with no enclosures.

But it’s fun!

Jon got video of Jachin being hoisted. It reminded me of the show Greatest American Hero, where the guy flies through the air with zero control of his limbs, and ultimately crashes into either a large tree or a building. Zoe did it, too, as did Deacon — but there’s no video of them. Deacon was especially cute. He went about 5 inches into the air and his body stayed as rigid as a tiny log. It was precious.

But click here to behold Jachin’s flight. (I told Jachin that next time he needs to scream in a more masculine octave.)

So you know how I was all excited about finishing the first draft of my first novel?

I was all “Yay! I’m awesome! Blah blah, more awesome! And also, awesome!”

And then I let it sit to marinate for a little while, moving on to other ideas. Then I went back to revise. And guess what I learned while revising?

Holy crap, my story sucks. Big time.

I got half way through revisions and realized that it wasn’t really getting any better with revision. Kind of like if you’re working with a stew with a puke base, it won’t matter how much you season it, or add fresh herbs or tender meats, or reduce it, thicken it with corn starch or thin it with chicken broth…

It’s still made of puke, dude.

So I put it away and moved on. While I won’t say that I’ve completely thrown my first novel under the bus, I will say that I’ve taped it to the front of the bus and told the bus driver not to worry about driving too carefully. If it gets ruined in the rain, or gets blood stains from smashed pedestrians, or runs head first into a cement barrier… well, I won’t cry over it. In fact, I wouldn’t cry even if I ended up taping it to the front of that speeding bus that Sandra Bullock steered while Keanu Reeves shouted things at her and Dennis Hopper said that there was a bomb on it and Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was a wimpy passenger.

I wouldn’t even give a care if it was that bus.

Because we’re moving on, people. I’m 5 or 6 chapters into a new novel… completely different, and hopefully less sucky. This one does not take place in a parallel world, nor does it have flesh-eating creatures or elven people who speak in ridiculous dialog. Nope. This one is different… though not completely “realistic”, because regular lives are realistic and — yawn — that’s boring.

This novel is — among other things — a ghost story. A story of unrequited love, mysterious deaths, creepy unwanted inheritances, and redemption.

Sounds better, right? That’s because I’m pretty sure it is. I’m really hoping that this one doesn’t end up taped to the front of a bus that can’t slow down.

But we’ll see. I’m coming up with goofy metaphors just in case…

Jachin wants to be on the student council this year. Before being able to join, he has to complete a laundry list of requirements as long as my arm… I’m only exaggerating a little. He has to write and give a speech, take part in a skit, get two letters of recommendation, 70 student signatures, complete 20 hours of community/family/school service… and a couple other things that I can’t remember because I’m senile.

Ten of the service hours have to be “family service” hours, and it’s harder than you think to keep your kid busy with meaningful tasks for ten full hours. This morning I asked Jachin to wash and clean out Jon’s car. And of course when the other two heard that there would be a garden hose and a bucket full of bubbles involved, they offered to help.

Deacon mostly just manned the bucket of bubbles, being sure they stayed all bubbly and stuff.

They did a great job. They were thorough…

…really, very, a lot thorough…

Jachin even opened the car doors and bubbled the inside of the car windows… he takes this service crap very seriously.

For 5 bucks they’ll wash yours… interior wash is incidental and on the house.

There are several indicators that your daughter’s soccer team may not be ready for professional level play. For instance:

Coach: Zoe, you go to midfield.
Zoe: Ok!… where is midfield?

**

Player: Coach, how will everyone know that I’m goalie if we don’t have a goalie shirt?
Coach: Just turn your shirt around backwards.

**

Player: What kinds of things are fouls? Kicking?

**

The first game of the year is always a refresher game. These girls have been out of practice for several months, but frankly they did great. This is the first year that Zoe’s team plays on the “big fields” rather than the mini-fields. She was most excited when she got to play goalie… of course with her shirt turned around backwards.

She had several impressive goal kicks. No, seriously.

There were a number of noticeable improvements over last season. For one, all of the girls ran in the right direction. Zoe only cried once during the game (wind knocked out of her), and she only “took a break” (lying down on the ground in the goal during play) once.

Deacon was very forlorn that little guys were not allowed to play, as evidenced in this picture.

*Oh ball, how you vex me so.*

But then he realized that you can steal a random kid’s soccer ball and use it as a seat! And after that everything was fine.

I love my kids.