Wow, people. I’ve been out of it. All of the symptoms were there. I knew I was ill. I knew that I should have gone to the doctor last week, but I kept putting it off. And then yesterday I could bear it no longer; I broke down and went to the doctor’s. Diagnosis: A raging bladder infection that’s moved along nicely to my kidneys where it is currently setting up camp and making my lower back feel as though it will surely explode if I breathe or bend my torso at all. I have flu aches. I have a fever and chills. It’s a nasty thing. So while in the doctor’s office (with both kids in tow), I got a shot of antibiotic in the rump. I bent over the table and looked in the opposite direction of my kids (just in case I actually winced or made a painful face) while the nurse stuck me. Zoe shrieked the whole time like the nurse was actually removing my kidneys right there in the exam room. She closed her eyes and shouted over and over: “Mom, tell me when it’s over, tell me when it’s over!” Jachin kept saying, “Stop screaming! But no, it’s not over!” Apparently, he couldn’t take his eyes off of it. He watched the whole thing in fascination (he admitted it to me later). But on top of the shot, I also have to take a round of oral meds, too. I truly feel like crap.

Last night at bedtime, I curled up on my son’s bed. The normal bedtime routine is to read or tell stories (in the dark) for a half hour or so. Rumpelstiltskin is a favorite. I really have that one down; the voices and everything. But last night I just wanted to close my eyes and die. So Zoe said, “Mom, since you are feeling crappy, we will tell you a story.” Then Jachin said, “Yeah, a FUNNY story.” And trading off every few lines (read: Zoe told most of the story while Jachin threw in a few zingers along the way), they began:

Once upon a time, there was a young girl who wanted to marry the prince…

…yeah, and she lived on a farm…

… So she went to the castle to talk to the King and Queen. And the King and Queen were like, “Why should we let you marry the prince?” And the young girl said, “Because I have lots of talents. Like, I can turn straw into gold!”

…Wow, that’s impressive…

So they took her high into a tower to a room that was filled from the floor to the ceiling with straw. And they said, “Okay, girl, if you can turn this straw into gold then you can marry the prince”…

…there’s no way she can do that…

…Be quiet! I’m telling the story! So the girl was crying because there was no way that she could turn all of the straw into gold…

…told ya…

…Jachin! Be quiet! I am telling the story!  So she was crying and then a troll-y little man climbed through the window and said, “Why are you crying?” And the girl said, “Because I told the King and Queen that I could turn all of this straw into gold, but I can’t…”

…”because I’m a big liar-butt”…

…”and they won’t let me marry the prince.” The troll-y little man said, “Oh, don’t worry. I can do that. But I’ll need some payment.” But the girl didn’t really have anything to give to the troll-y little man. So the troll-y little man said, “Well, how about if after you and the prince get married, you give me your first kid.” And the girl was thinking that she was never going to see the troll-y man ever again, so she said, “okay”. And then she went to sleep…

…thirty years later…

…Jachin, it was not thirty years later! It was the next day! Sheesh! So the next day the girl woke up and the room was filled from the floor to the ceiling with gold. And the King and the Queen opened the door and said, “Wow! You can marry the prince now!” So they got married…

…thirty years later…

…Ugghhh! Jachin, it was NOT thirty years! It was, like, two! So two years later the girl was a princess. And she and the prince had a baby. And the princess was sitting in the nursery rocking her baby. Rocking, rocking. And in through the window came…

…superman!…

…no, in through the window came the troll-y little man. And he said, “Hello, princess. Time to pay up.” And the princess said, “What are you talking about?” And the troll-y man said, “You have to give me your baby now.” And she said, “Oh, no! Please, please.” And the troll-y man said…

…”Fine, fine, stop your whining, princess”…

…He said, “Okay, here’s the deal. You have three chances to guess my name. If you can guess my name, you can keep your baby. If not, I get to take your baby and keep it.”

…”Yeah, and you can’t whine about it anymore”…

So the troll-y man said, “So what’s your first guess?” And the princess said, “Oh, ummmm, I don’t know. What could it be? Could it be ’super-diaper-baby’ ?”

…HAHAHAHA!…

And the troll-y man said, “Nope. Not even close. I’ll be back tomorrow night for your second guess.” And he climbed back out the window. The princess called all of the guards to run into the woods to find the troll-y man and get his name, but the guards came back and said, “Sorry, princess. We couldn’t find him”…

 …those must be some very darks woods…

…So the princess was very upset. The next night the troll-y man came back in through the window and said, “Hi princess! What is your second guess?” And the princess did not know! But she had to make a guess so she said, “Ummm, could it be…”

…”Bob”?…

…Hahaha! But the troll-y man said, “Nope. It’s not ‘Bob’. I’ll come back tomorrow night for your last guess.” But as soon as the troll-y man climbed back out the window, the princess put on a long cloak and she grabbed her scepter-wand-thing-a-ma-jig, and she followed the troll-y man into the woods. She searched all of the trees until she finally saw one that had a light coming out of it. She stooped down and looked in through a little window in the tree and saw the troll-y man, in his little tree house, dancing and singing in front of his fireplace…”

…no, no. He was singing and dancing and playing his new game called “Dance, Dance Revolution” on his XBox!…

…Jachin! He does not have an XBox!…

…Yes, he does…

…Ahhh! Fine! But it wasn’t “Dance, Dance Revolution”! It was “Guitar Hero”!…

…Hahaha…

…and he was singing and dancing and rockin out on his guitar singing “Oh Rumpelstiltskin is my name, but she’ll never guess it! Never, ever, guess it. And the baby will be mine!” (meedly-meedly-meedly guitar riffs) And the princess said, “Yeah! Woo hoo! I know his name!” And she ran back to the castle. The next night the troll-y man came through the window again and he said, “Hello, princess! This is your last guess. What is my name?” And the princess pretended for a minute to not know it and she said, “Oh, umm, I don’t know. What could it be? Umm, could it be… could it be… Rumpelstiltskin?” And the troll-y little man yelled,  “Whaaaat?? How did you know that?” And he kicked the wall and he yelled and grumped and climbed back through the window and no one ever saw him again. And three years later the princess had another 10 babies. The end….

…What? 10 babies? That’s impossible!…

… heehee, I know. That’s, like, 50 twins or something!…

They were right. It was an awesome story. Very funny. The Timpanogos Storytelling Festival started today. I think I may sign them up at the amateur level…

4 Comments »

1. Absolutely brilliant people you’ve got there. I’m going to try this back & forth technique with my short story writing class; I hope I get one of those sceptre-wand-thing-a-ma-jigs.

   So sorry about your kidneys, btw. Get well soon, try not to break them laughing with your kids.

   Comment by stephanie — August 31, 2007 @ 7:00 am

2. This is why I love them so!!!! They are so creative! Can I still write about your bladder infection even though you already did?

   Comment by Sam — August 31, 2007 @ 7:27 am

3. Get better soon ~ have a great weekend.

   Comment by Mama Milton — August 31, 2007 @ 10:10 am

4. As good a version of Rumpelstiltskin I’ve ever heard.

   I hope you feel better soon. Those infections are awful.

   Comment by Leslie — August 31, 2007 @ 5:44 pm

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