6:46 pm July 5, 2010Eclipse… review from a semi-hater
Opening night, two friends and I (along with my mom, two of my sisters, and a thousand or so squealing people) turned out for the Eclipse premier. I didn’t get us tickets because I’m a fan of these movies… it was more for the swag bags that were being handed out (with hair product samples and candy!). Plus, it was the first time in a long time that I had an excuse to stay out after 9pm.
I’m pretty lame in my old age.
Here are Shahara, me, and Katie at 12:30am. Lookin’ good. And flashing our book club gang sign… cuz literary is how we roll.
(See the two men in the audience? They’re in the row directly behind us… their groans of agony were nearly deafening.)
I’ve never read any of the Twilight books, so I can’t really call myself a hater… I don’t believe you can hate something you don’t know. However, the movies are rather cheese-ball. Honestly. But I went in good spirits and intended to have a good time… I refrained from making loud snarky comments to ruin the experience for anyone else. The following is my recap of Eclipse. SPOILER ALERT! There are a lot of spoilers about nothing much happening.
“Edward, I love you. I love Jacob, too. But I love you more. I can love two people at the same time, right? Let’s go sit in the meadow at the top of the mountain and we can watch your skin sparkle like diamonds.”
“Bella, I love you, too. You are the awesomest chick I’ve met in my whole 100 years as a vampire. I can’t figure out what it is that makes you so special — no one can — but I will do anything I can to protect you. Except that one time when I didn’t. My bad. Okay, let’s go watch my skin sparkle like diamonds.”
*meanwhile, Victoria (the pretty redhead — and if I were Edward, I would have gotten with that) is running through the forest. Still. It’s been, like, a year or something, and she’s still running through the woods. She knows where Bella lives, but for some strange reason she never makes it to her house, instead opting to run very fast and aimlessly through the surrounding forest. And sometimes into Canada.*
“Bella, choose me. I’m way frickin hotter, way less emo, and can really rock these denim cut-offs with hiking boots. Seriously. Check me out as I lean against this car. No, I can’t tell you what we do with all of the cast-off denim pant legs… it’s a tribal secret.
*meanwhile, Victoria is running fast some more. There is a hot “newborn” vampire guy who is “amassing an army” of about seven other newborn vampires. The Volturi (y’know, those annoying vampires from Europe) are keeping an eye on things.*
“Edward, I want to have sex with you.”
“Not until you marry me. Though I have no soul, I am a very religious member of the undead.
*sigh* “Fine, I’ll marry you. Can we do it now?”
“What?! You’re marrying him?!? When were you going to tell me, Bella? Gah! Well, that’s okay. I know that you will choose me eventually. And I will keep loving you until your heart stops beating. Or my heart stops beating. Or one of us stops breathing. Or something.”
“Okaaaaayyyy… this isn’t awkward.”
*A HUGE battle ensues, involving about 7 vampires and about 7 werewolves. Heads are torn off, which is the most action we’ve seen thus far. Bella and Edward talk in a tent. Bella and Jacob talk in the woods. Jacob and Edward talk in a tent. More talking. Victoria’s head comes off.*
Credits roll!
I hope you’ve enjoyed this review. Don’t hesitate to see this movie if you liked the other ones. And if you like a lot of talking…
(book club representin’…. HOLLA!)
7 Comments »
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You are so friggin hilarious!!!
Comment by Katie Stanworth — July 5, 2010 @ 7:08 pm
I can’t breathe, my chest hurts from laughing so hard. Damn – totally should of stayed for the ending.
Comment by Shahara — July 5, 2010 @ 8:10 pm
Awesome recap! I think you made me actually want to go and see it. Glad you guys had fun, wish I could be part of your book group. =( (And on a side note i’m still waiting for my visitor.)
Comment by Diana — July 6, 2010 @ 10:19 am
I just re-read this b/c I needed to laugh my guts out again. You rock.
Comment by Shahara — July 12, 2010 @ 9:45 am
Oh boy, so I’ve been totally sucked in to this vampire love story thing. My friend gave me books 1 & 2 of the series before we left for our trip. I read them both in the first week, then found a Borders in Hawaii and bought book 3, read it in the next 2 days. I’m starting book 4 tonight – my husband can barely make eye contact with me because he is so embarrassed that I am reading about vampire love. I can not believe how obsessed I am with this story. I may just have to see the movies, though your review puts a slight damper on my enthusiasm there. Sheesh.
Comment by Heather — July 28, 2010 @ 11:11 pm
I totally needed this. I wish your webpage had national exposure bc you are too hilarious!
Comment by ShayLo — July 31, 2010 @ 1:45 pm
And that’s just about as much Twilight as this girl can handle.
(‘no one can’ ha)
Comment by lisa milton — September 5, 2010 @ 6:36 am