10:20 amWorst First Date. Ever.
Yesterday Zoe and I had lunch at Red Robin down at the Provo Town Centre. Provo Town Centre is a great mall because it’s spelled “Centre”, like it was built by Europeans and therefore only services very rich, high class, non-hick type people. I can assure you that this isn’t the case, but it was a nice lunch nonetheless. During this lunch, I had the opportunity to overhear the absolute worst first date ever… in the history of the modern world. I say “modern world” because I’m sure that Vlad, the Impaler was a scary and dangerous first date during the 1400’s. So I’ll exclude the dark ages and say that this was the worst first date since the Renaissance.
(Before you get all judgmental on me, the tables at Red Robin were very close, and this guy talked really loudly. He clearly considered himself an expert on, well, everything, and therefore talked in a LOUD, AUTHORITATIVE MANNER ABOUT EVERYTHING.
If he wrote a blog, and he probably does and it’s probably about how awesome and smart he is, it would be in all caps.)
Zoe and I were seated. She was bummed to learn from the hostess that Red Robin is currently out of crayons at that particular location. I got her a pen from my purse so that she could do the word-find on the kids menu. Then she kind of zoned out and I was left to listen to the smartest man in the universe, who was coincidently seated six inches behind me. The smartest man in the universe, you will be shocked to learn, is a BYU student, maybe 22 years old or so, who clearly has unresolved childhood issues with every member of every family he has ever been in contact with. And he probably has a small pee pee. I learned that the smartest man in the universe’s name is Chris, because he occasionally talked about himself in the third person. I don’t know what the girl’s name was, because Chris never addressed her as if she were an actual person. He just sort of talked loudly at her. In the absence of a real name, I will just call her “poor girl”.
The conversation started as such:
Chris: “Here’s the deal: I’ve never felt bad about getting revenge on someone. Ever.”
Poor Girl: “How can you say that?”
Chris: “What? Revenge is justice. If you screw me, you totally deserve it. And especially if I trust you. If I trust you and you screw me over, you are going to get it back times ten.”
Poor Girl chews slowly and casually looks around for the nearest exit.
Chris: “God said ‘vengeance is mine’. According to God revenge is fine. Why should it not be fine for me, then?”
This is when it hits me that, not only is this guy nuts and deplorable, but if asked, he would tell you that he considers himself a spiritual person.
Creepy.
I then talked to Zoe for a minute about how yummy her macaroni was. I tried it. It was very yummy. We then went back to eating/eavesdropping.
Chris and Poor Girl had somehow segued into a conversation about bishops.
Chris: “I’m sure the bishop would say, ‘Chris, as your bishop, I’m asking you to forgive this person’. But he has to say that as a bishop. That doesn’t mean he isn’t about getting revenge on people.”
Poor Girl: “I thought you were smarter than that.”
Go Poor Girl!
Chris: “Yeah, I am smarter. I’m very smart. I’m one of the smartest people you’ll ever meet. All I’m saying is that if I already trust you, your burn is that much worse. If I don’t really know you and you burn me… whatever, because you don’t owe me any loyalty or whatever. But if I know you and trust you and you do that to me…even if it’s unintentional. I don’t give a crap about intentions. You can have the best intentions in the world, but if it ends up that you’re the cause of a nuclear meltdown, you still own that.”
–right here I try really hard not to laugh or choke on my quesadillas because he has just used the term “nuclear meltdown”. The smartest man in the universe is a drama king on top of everything else—
Poor Girl: “So if you inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings, you wouldn’t want or expect any forgiveness?”
Chris is quiet for the first time. Ever. Maybe because Poor Girl has caught him in a logic-trap, or maybe because he doesn’t know what ‘inadvertently” means. Either way, he doesn’t take the opportunity to save himself.
Chris: “If I screw you, even accidentally, then yeah, you have your right to revenge.”
What an idiot.
Zoe and I finish up and sign the bill and I stand up and turn around to lift my purse from the back of my chair. I get a glimpse of the smartest man in the universe. He isn’t even cute; not that looks would even begin to make up for all this guy is lacking. I then briefly lock eyes with Poor Girl. For the last forty minutes I’d been wanting to turn around and tell her to run. Run, Poor Girl, run. And never look back! But I could tell by the look she was giving me that she already knew. And she was a little sorry I had to overhear any of that.
I smiled and left, so glad to be a decade past first dates. I think I would have rather taken my chances with Vlad. Vlad was just as obssessed with revenge, but I think he actually really was smart.
3 Comments »
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Oy, “poor girl” is right! I can’t say enough how much I don’t miss dating, expecially Utah guys!!
Comment by Sam — July 12, 2007 @ 1:26 pm
Okay, I’m a dork and I just spelled expecially. I totally meant especially!
Comment by Sam — July 12, 2007 @ 1:27 pm
Oh gosh! What a horrible date! I hope he at least paid for her meal, which must have been delicious. I love Red Robin! The nearest for me is about an hour away. I’d be willing to make the trip right now, though, just to get one of their burgers. Yummy.
Comment by Leslie — July 12, 2007 @ 2:41 pm