9:27 amTerp-Bound
My BFF, Diana, is moving.
2,000 miles away.
In 5 days.
You’d think that with me being a grown up and everything, I would be okay. You’d think I’d be all “Yay for you! This will be such a great adventure for you and your family!” But no, I am crusty and rude about it. Instead of being supportive, I’m all like “Hey, I have a great idea that primarily benefits me! Porter (husband) can move, and you and Byron (son) can stay here and live in our basement! I mean, Porter’s the one getting his PhD, not you! Let him move, and you can stay and live with us, like a big sleep-over that lasts for, like, two years! It sounds fun, right?!” But then she tells me some load of crap about how it’s important to be supportive of her husband, and — after all — they are married and they’re, like, a family and stuff… which all sounded like a basket full of weak-sauce excuses to me. But whatever.
My heart is heavy. I already miss my friend. Who will listen to my constant whining? Who will go out with me to chick movies and laugh at my quick one-liners? Who?? WHO??? And who is thinking about ME is all of this?? I was virtually left out of the school application process, which, as the spouse’s best friend, you would think I would have been an integral part. But no — not so much. And when I was told it was between Michigan and Maryland, I was all “What’s wrong with University of Utah?” And they gave me all sorts of bull about how one does not receive all the different degrees from one school. Which I think is dumb because — hello! — I live by the one school, so that should be a factor. But I guess it’s not. So then I worked it from the angle of trashing the two remaining schools. Michigan is cold, so they could not move there. My BFF doesn’t do well in the cold. (Yeah, I’m totally looking out for her.) And Maryland, well… Dude, I grew up there. I am a product of Maryland. Clearly my friend does not want to raise her child in a state that cranks out the likes of me. Plus, there’s the whole “Maryland Accent” that took me a good two years to lose after I moved out here (and I still sometimes say “arnge juice” or “harrible” on accident, just because some words are coded that way in my east coast genes). My sweet friend will start talking like that! She will start calling people “ig-nernt” (which means rude), not to be confused with “ignorant” (which means “stupid”). Ig-nernt is a Maryland-only word. We Marylanders invented it. And my dear, sweet, smart friend will start down that Maryland path. And then what?? Where will the madness end??
I’ll tell you where it will end: it will end with me being 2,000 miles out west, being all lonely, going to movies on “girls’ night” by myself, making jokes to myself, having people throw popcorn and Junior Mints at me, telling me to shut up, and then I’ll cry because I miss my friend. And I know that I’m being selfish and ig-nernt about the whole thing, but I can’t help it.
Or maybe I will find another reason to go back to visit Maryland; a reason that isn’t a wedding or a funeral, which are currently the only valid reasons I go back anymore. Someone has to die or eternally hook their cart to one horse for me to drop $500 on a plane ticket. (I’m that cheap.) But no more. Now I will fly back to Maryland every Tuesday night just so Diana and I can go to a movie and eat nachos and talk about life and laugh together and cry together. Okay, maybe not every Tuesday. A girl could pick back up an accent being there on a weekly basis. But I will go more often.
And for those of you in Maryland, especially around U of M campus: if you see my friend, be kind to her. Be her friend. Take her out (she likes Sour Patch Kids at the movies). Make her laugh.
(Just try not to be funnier than me, or she may forget me all together… and that would be really ig-nernt of her.)
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It’s actually ig-nernt. And hey, have you forgotten about me? Jeez, what the H?
Comment by Sam — June 23, 2008 @ 3:22 pm
Sweet tribute to an obviously inconsiderate, thoughtless friend.
I’m sad about Lisa moving away from me, but (don’t hate) she’ll only be a couple hours’ drive. Still hard not to be just down the street, ready to have tea or see a movie in a minute.
Prayers for you & her, and especially for that weird Maryland language…
Comment by stephanie (bad mom) — June 23, 2008 @ 8:57 pm
@Sam- I’m very excited that you are moving here… chill out with the fake cussing. Sheesh, kids read this blog! And you are right, there is a faint second “n” sound in there. I’ll go back through and fix my “ig-nerts” accordingly.
@Stephanie- Oh yeah, Maryland’s got it’s own weird dialect. Though to be fair, it’s also found in northern Virginia, southern parts of Pennsylvania, and almost all of West Virginia as well. Remember that part in “Sweet Home Alabama” when Reese Witherspoon says “People need a passport to come down here”? That’s kinda how I feel about my hometown…
Comment by admin — June 24, 2008 @ 5:58 am
Look at this way, she’ll get to leave the safety and comfort of the Truman Show and see how the rest of the world lives. And then in 20 years Utah will catch up when the “Californians” take over. I’m sure your version of the English language will change, too. I remember reading in a Primary lesson manual (written by a Utahn) something about “throw the cow over the fence some hay.” The little idiosyncrasies are what make us great. Really, though, think of it as another thing in which you and your friend will be able to bond.
Comment by buckeye fan — June 25, 2008 @ 9:02 am
I am mid-move crazy right now, ready to do the supportive hubby thing. I’m sure your friend is torn too, trying to do right by her family and feeling sad about leaving you behind.
I know I feel that way all the dang time.
So so sorry.
(And. I downloaded foxfire. I don’t know why I didn’t sooner, except I thought it would be tricksy and hard. But easy peasy and I haven’t had any problems with my reader or blogs. First time in a month. *thank you, thank you*)
Comment by Lisa Milton — June 25, 2008 @ 3:10 pm
@MamaMilton- Ugg, I hate the packing and moving process. (I’ve only had semi-success at blocking out memories of our last move.)I do not envy you, dear. But here’s hoping your move goes smoothly and you settle in all snug in your new digs.
@Buckeye Fan- Yeah, I suppose I forgot to mention that I dropped one accent just in time to pick up another one. Let’s see… Utah phrases that I now use: movies are called “shows” (As in: “Have you seen the new Indiana Jones? That’s a great show!… except that Harrison Ford is now 90.”), butts are called “bums” (in fact, small children are occasionally reprimanded for using the horrid term “butt”), cussing is “swearing”, and let’s not forget “What the crap?” and “Oh my heck!”. It’s true, every region has their own nutty dialect. I like to think of the Utahn dialect as Lysol-ed Down Amish Talk… the cleanest you will find in the nation.
Comment by admin — June 25, 2008 @ 5:11 pm
Oh Suz. I’m sorry your friend is moving. That’s tough. I still miss my friends from Wheeling, even though I see them now and again. There are some people you just can’t replace.
At least you’ve got us internet crazies! Right?
Comment by Leslie — June 28, 2008 @ 5:34 pm
I cried again reading your post. I really thought my tears were all dried up but apparently not. I’ve only been officially gone for 28 hours, and only missing you for 48 but it feels longer since I know how long the seperation will ultimately be. Thanks for all the support from all your faithful readers. =) I figure even if the tears don’t stop at least I’ll loose a few pounds in water weight! Love your BFF
Comment by Diana — June 29, 2008 @ 12:45 pm