I was in a major ponytail funk. You know, that funk you get into when you are trying to “grow your hair out” because you imagine that when you have long hair, it is flowing and magical and sultry. But then you actually start to grow your hair out and you remember that you hair is not sultry and flowing, but in fact it is frizzy and damaged and has cowlicks in really weird places. And the only way to tame it is to pull it back into a boring old ponytail every day. And soon it becomes a funk. And my particular funk was made worse by the fact that I am pregnant and have no energy to hold and operate both a hair dryer and a round brush at the same time.

I really needed a change. So there I was last week, flipping through late-night channels, and I landed on the Oxygen Network. The network that runs the sweet reality show called “Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood”. So I sat there and watched Tori Spelling in all of her pregnant, big-headed glory, and I thought: “She has awesome hair. It really frames her huge head nicely.” And I thought about my huge head and how Tori’s haircut would look good on my big ‘ol noggin. Plus, her hair is platinum blond. And I was born to be blond. (I subscribe to the idea that some of us are born blond, and others of us are born to be blond.)

So I called my stylist.

My stylist is Jen, my sis-in-law. She is awesome with hair. For real. Awesome. Not just awesome because I get the “family discount”, but awesome like I would also pay full price to go to her at a salon. So I call her and I try to figure out how to tell her that I want Tori Spelling’s haircut without admitting that I was watching Tori Spelling’s reality show. But I just couldn’t think fast enough. So I just said quietly, “So I was watching Tori and Dean, and Tori has cute hair…” And Jen immediately said, “Juli and I were watching that last night, too, and her hair is awesome.” And then I said, “Yay!” and she said, “Let’s do it!” and then Saturday we did it.

Here are some examples of Tori’s hair, to give you an idea of what I now look like:

This is what I would look like if I actually wore my glasses and believed that you should kiss your dog every day (which I don’t):

This is what I would look like if I wore my glasses and had a Blackberry (which I don’t):

This is what I would look like if I wore my glasses and a short woman approached me in Burger King to have her picture taken with me:

This is what I would look like if I had my own jewelry line and it was being introduced on HSN:

And this is what I would look like if I were on HSN, inexplicably holding Tori Spelling’s child:

Now I’ll show you some examples of my new hair cut to give you an idea of what Tori Spelling would look like if she also had a pregnancy-related identity crisis and decided to be me:

This is what Tori Spelling would look like if she were applying bug repellent:

This is what Tori Spelling would look like if she were spraying her bed with Fabreeze:

This is what Tori Spelling would look like if she were organizing her Star Trek DVD’s:

But it’s unlikely that Tori Spelling would suddenly up and want to copy me.

Anyhoo, that’s my hair story.

And I’ve decided that I want my own reality show.

3 Comments »

1. You look beautiful! I love your hair.

   Comment by Leslie — July 17, 2008 @ 10:07 am

2. Tori doesn’t have a thing on you, babe.

   Lovely.

   Comment by Lisa Milton — July 17, 2008 @ 5:48 pm

3. You are crazy gorgeous. I could hate you if I were a mean girl, and you weren’t so lovable.

   

   Comment by stephanie (bad mom) — July 18, 2008 @ 4:34 pm

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