Guess what I did today? No, it did not include screaming at my kids, crying over tacos, or laughing until I wet my pants.
It’s even better than that! Though no less crazy…
I went swim suit shopping.
Yes, I know that it is October. Yes, I know that I am 31 weeks pregnant. Which is why when I try to put on my regular old swim suit, I pull it over my head and it gets stuck at the top of my boobs. Like, it doesn’t go on my body. Unless I just knot the whole thing around my wrist or something.
Now, I also have a string bikini, which I have worn all of, like, once. Because even when I am in “peak” shape (and “peak” for me means I can jog to the end of the street without being winded, and I can lift a Costco-sized package of toilet paper over my head) I still don’t feel ultra comfortable in a bikini. So last night when Jon and I were discussing where we should go this weekend for our big 10 Year Anniversary Love Fest Extravaganza (and you know it’s going to be frickin awesome, because we have been meticulously planning casually discussing it for a whole 3 days prior to departure), I mentioned that I would need to purchase a new swim suit.
“Your old one doesn’t fit?” he asked.
“Ummm, no.”
“Just wear your bikini.”
“My bikini?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you kidding?”
“What?”
“Dude, no one wants to see ALLLLL of this.” And while dragging out the word “ALLLLL”, I motioned my hands around my body as if my body were a planet and my hands were revolving moons.
And while — bless his precious heart — he tried to assure me that I would be fine in my bikini, I tried to assure him that it would spell nothing but humiliation for the both of us.
So today I strode waddled into Motherhood at the mall, after passing through the food court and accepting whatever free samples of orange chicken and philly cheese steak people would give me. I asked the girl if they happened to have any swim suits. Amazingly, she said yes, they had a few. And while I took no pictures of myself in the dressing room (I know, you are throwing things at your computer screen in disappointment) I can assure you that two of them were bombs. Like, if I didn’t before feel like the world’s most unattractive person ever, I did when I put those pieces of crap on. I looked sort of like I had wrapped my body in really hideous gift wrap, except for my cleavage and my chubby thighs, which the swim suit designer assumed are really good things to be showcased on my body. And truthfully, they are not. Ahh, but the third suit… the third was the charm. It’s blue tie-dye and cute. It makes my boobs look nice… and by “nice”, I mean “not flopping down, overlapping my huge tummy”. And it covers my butt — my butt which has no part of the baby in it, yet it has grown proportionately along with my belly. (I can only assume this is nature’s way of aiding with balance.) Oh, and the ultimate bonus? It was $14.
No, there are currently no pictures of me in this cute suit, but Anniversary Love Fest Extravaganza pictures have not been taken and posted yet. So you may be in luck, still. Or out of luck, depending on which side of the pregnant-chick-in-a-swim-suit fence you are on.
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My dear friend, you would look better in a string bikini than I do in a my totally dated Lands End tankini which covers all - and has sport shorts. I’ve had it since Ris was a baby and it is still the only thing I have found that doesn’t show all my jiggles - well, and I say all, because it shows some. Once again - I want to throw pie ate you - even if you do gorge yourself and baby to be with the pumpkolishis delight. I hope Jon plans plenty of pumpkin pie for said love fest….
Oh and thanks for rubbing it in that you are apparently going somewhere WARM enough to need a swim suit.
And, lastly - Congrats, enjoy and have no worries about Sunday - it’s all under control - HA! Well, it’s covered, at least.
Comment by shahara — October 21, 2008 @ 8:08 pm
Now everyone is talking about the American economy and eclections, nice to read something different. Eugene
Comment by Eugene — October 21, 2008 @ 8:46 pm
Have fun and enjoy your love fest…and congratulations on 10 years!!
Comment by Joan — October 22, 2008 @ 7:54 am
Oh, my Suz… In all of your 31 weeks of glorious-o pregnan-titis, I am sure you are still gorg-e-mous and should absolutely fan out in a bikini. Show off that beautiful bump in a major way…. I have a baby bump, too! Alas, *sigh* it is not filled with bambina, but with the past 10 years of gluttonous dinners. I, however, have no reason to show my ‘dinner bump’ in all of my glory. Do it while you can, mama!!!!!!!! Happy 10!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment by Shay — October 26, 2008 @ 5:23 am
I have one of those swimsuits that looks like a dress, but is really a swimsuit. It’s a sort of spandexy muumuu. I wore it when I was pregnant and I can still wear it.
Damn, that was depressing to write. Okay, where are the doughnuts…
Comment by Leslie — November 4, 2008 @ 8:45 pm