12:17 amHomeopathic Hell
I like to think that I have an organic, hippy, all natural goddess side to me. I like to buy things that say “organic” because it just sounds healthier. I dream of one day having my own herb garden and I’ll know which herbs are good for which ailments, and I’ll whip up all kinds of potions and brews. Basically, I dream of being like the hot sisters in the movie “Practical Magic”; but until I learn the ins and outs of white magic and alchemy, organic carrots and sugar-free Jell-o will have to suffice.
Along with natural stuff, I also love beauty stuff. So of course I love natural beauty stuff. I have quite the array of essential oils and fruit scrubs and cleansers made from red clay and ash from the deserts of Utah (don’t ask me how much it costs for a half ounce of ash and clay… and don’t ask how badly it made my face break out). One natural staple that I absolutely love is Grapeseed Oil. I use it for everything. I especially love to use it to remove my eye make-up. So there I was the other day, grabbing the bottle and soaking the cotton ball and slathering it on my eyes. Something felt a little weird. My eyes kind of started to sting, which wasn’t normal. My eyes were a little blurry, but I looked down at the bottle and noticed that the label was all wrong. I hadn’t grabbed Grapeseed Oil, but an identical bottle that contained all natural Coconut Emulsifier. What is Coconut Emulsifier, you ask? It sounds natural and gentle enough, right? I mean, coconuts are among the most non-threatening of all tropical fruits… I’ve heard. For a moment I had forgotten what emulsifier is and what it does. But no matter, I grabbed the other bottle–the one that actually contained Grapeseed Oil–and smeared that on. And then, Sweet Moses, the pain escalated and it felt like I literally had Elmer’s glue (mixed with hot lava) on my eyeballs. So I began rinsing them madly with water. Wait, water? Ohhhh… Coconut Emulsifier, riiiight. Now I was remembering what it does! It bonds oil and water. So if you want to pour some of that wonderful, natural Grapeseed Oil into your bath, you can pour in some of the natural Coconut Emulsifier and it will all mix nicely into a soothing, moisturizing paradise. Or—it can also bond natural Grapeseed Oil to your water-covered eyeballs, making them feel like they are slathered in lava glue. Oh yes, and did I mention it makes you freakin blind? Yeah: hot, glue, blind. Check. What could I do but keep trying to rinse them? (Layer on that glue, girl. Keep going.) Five minutes into the rinsing I began to think that I was only making it worse. (Really? Do ya’ think?) So I gave up and turned around and exited the bathroom—after a brief collision with the door jam, being blind and all—and wandered around the house feeling and groping with my arms stretched out in front of me. The kids thought I was hilarious. Look at mommy acting like a blind clown. Hahaha. Yeah: hot, glue, blind, and getting busted on by my kids. Check. Oh yeah, tiny punks? When mommy’s eyesight returns, you are gonna get it!
I’m sure there is an all natural cure for blindness caused by all natural beauty products. Oh how I wished the pretty chicks from “Practical Magic” were real and I could call them up and they could bring me some exotic leaves to place over my lava-glued eyes. And we could laugh and talk and braid each other’s hair and they could teach me some love potions while my eyes healed. But alas, the hot witch sisters are fake.
Much like my knowledge of all things organic, natural, and lovely.
(ps- I added the picture this morning so you can see that the bottles really do look similar! Click on it and see! I’m not a total idiot.)
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So, how’d you get it off?
Comment by Sam — August 3, 2007 @ 6:11 am
@Sam- Yeah… I just left that part out, huh? After 6 or 7 hours (and lots of eye rubbing), it just kind of wore off. Hmm… I wonder if that was the day I hit the jogger… (no, it wasn’t. I’m kidding.)
Comment by admin — August 3, 2007 @ 6:35 am
You type pretty well for a blind girl.
As an apprentice organic goddess, I applaud your efforts (and tell you to beware the sugar-free stuff - aspartame is not your friend). As an organizational guru/obsessive-compulsive nutcase, I recommend labeling largely & loudly those items that can blind and/or glue you…;)
Thanks for the morning chuckle, at your (and your eyes’) expense. I hope you denied your children something really good for laughing during your trauma…
Comment by stephanie — August 3, 2007 @ 6:47 am
Oh, Suz! I know it had to be awful, but it is oh so funny! I can relate (a little bit). I once tried the cold spoons on the eyes to reduce puffiness, except I froze my spoons and placed them on my just woke up, watering, had been rubbing them for a whole minute eyes and - remember Flick from “A Christmas Story” and the tongue on the pole? - well, that sort of happened to me. Except with my eyes. And the fire department didn’t have to come. The spoons warmed up pretty quick, but it was 30 seconds of real torture. My father - the minister - witnessed this and found a way to work it in as a moral lesson in one of his sermons. Yeah!
I’m glad you’re no longer blind. I’m not a hot witch, but I’d come over and braid your hair if we lived closer.
Comment by Leslie — August 3, 2007 @ 8:39 am
You poor thing; tell the mean children they owe you big for laughing at the blind you.
I’ve had some incidents, playing with the natural arts. I’ve complained to my naturopath about some of my experiments and she always looks at me, gently, like some sad little idiot. Oh well. I try.
Comment by Mama Milton — August 3, 2007 @ 3:34 pm