12:35 pmLove and Logic
Most of you with children have probably heard of — or even practice — the Love and Logic method of parenting. It’s a method that teaches parents to respond to undesirable behavior with a calm and rational head. The idea is to allow your children to make mistakes, and then allow them to also discover the natural consequences to their actions. It all sounds fine and good, and it’s possible that it even works many times. But I’m currently at a stand still with my 8 year old over a certain issue, and there doesn’t seem to be enough love or logic to solve it.
This is a conversation that took place a couple of months ago, on a cold, snowy afternoon:
Jachin (walking through the front door after school, shivering, his coat shoved into his backpack): Man, it’s freezing outside!
Me: Yeah, I know. It’s winter. Why is your coat stuffed into your backpack instead of being on your body?
Jachin: Why didn’t you pick me up? Did you want me to freeze to death?
Me: You would have been fine if you would have worn a coat over your short sleeved shirt.
Jachin: I wouldn’t have to wear a stupid coat if you would just pick me up from school.
At this point, I’m thinking that eventually, after walking home a couple of times without a coat on, the whole “logic” thing will illuminate my sweet boy’s mind, and he will wear the stinkin’ coat. If the choice is for one to walk home in the winter without a coat, the natural consequence would be for one to freeze one’s butt off.
But this has gone on all winter. For months. I don’t know why I bought the stupid coat. On the very coldest of days, he will put the hood part of the coat over his head, and then leave the rest of the coat dangling off the back of him like a cape. His arms are always the appendages that take the brunt of the nasty weather. When I asked him why in the world would he go to the effort of putting the hood on, but then not put his arms in the sleeves he actually said to me “Men don’t wear coats.” First I pointed out that at 8 years old he is not a man, and then pointed out that his dad — whose age does indeed qualify him as a man — has more than one coat and wears them when it’s frickin freezing. But this seemingly flawless logic did nothing to sway him, either.
And so the cycle continues. He comes through the door in the afternoon with blue arms and gives me the old “Why didn’t you pick me up from school?” And I respond with the whole “I’m giving your coat to orphans since you don’t wear it”.
The other day I came across a picture that shed some light on my current dilemma:
This is Zoe at about 18 months of age (I know, it’s hard to recognize her without the hair), skimming through the Love and Logic book. This is when it hits me that the kids are already on to me! They know my plan. They’ve thought through my method, and they’ve been one step ahead of me the entire time… just waiting for me to give in. Waiting for crazy mom to crack!
So my resolve grew stronger; I would stick true to my course! I would not give in, or pick up my freezing child from school! And the impasse continues…
And Jachin still apparently lacks the logic to wear his coat, and I — obviously — still lack the sufficient love for Jachin to pick him up from school. He is not so smart, and I’m a heartless wench. And for this knowledge, I paid $19.99 for the hard copy.
Yay for Love and Logic!
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I’m cold-hearted - I’m certain if he really really was miserable, he’d put the coat on.
Hats off for you for not caving and picking him up.
I’m sensing the stubborn is strong with that one…
Comment by Lisa Milton — February 26, 2008 @ 2:46 pm
so do you think he was thinking…just wait, she’ll get the logic…if she’s worried i might freeze to death, why doesn’t she just pick me up from school?
Comment by kate — February 26, 2008 @ 6:04 pm
girlfriend….it is all about fashion and what is “cool” even for boys. I bet he has a few friends who say it is not cool to wear a coat or they just don’t wear them, so Jachin doesn’t think it is cool. He’d rather suffer and give you dirty looks then look like a wussy and wear the thing. I don’t have kids yet, so what do I know, but this would be my guess.
Comment by Cassie — February 26, 2008 @ 7:32 pm
Do you remember when the cool thing was to put your arms in the coat but then wear it off your shoulders? It’s the same thing only now the kids are even cooler cause they only wear the hood.
And with global warming who needs coats at all?
Comment by Sam — February 27, 2008 @ 7:41 am
(I’m not a psychologist, by the way, but I play one on the Internet.) He wants your attention more than anything else, in particular right now because he’s reaching an age where he’s starting to part from you…in fact, he’s starting to think of himself as a man, and that’s nerve-wracking. So he desperately wants you to pick him up from school; he wants to feel like your little kid. Since you won’t, because you want him to develop independence, he’ll get your attention by not doing something you’ve probably told him to do since he was three or four.
PS: There is no solution.
PPS: Oh, hell, maybe there’s a solution. Can you agree that if he wears his coat, you’ll pick him up one or two days a week? Something like that?
Comment by braine — February 27, 2008 @ 6:07 pm
I hated wearing a coat and especially a hat when I was a kid. I used to wait until I was out of sight of the house, then I’d take them off.
He won’t freeze. Stand strong!
Comment by Leslie — February 27, 2008 @ 7:44 pm