In the hopes of hurrying the warm weather our way, I’ve been browsing online for new swimsuits. Every site I’ve been on has showcased the same disgusting new swim trend:

The “Monokini”. 

No, I didn’t just make that up. That’s what it’s called. The Monokini is what happens when you take an otherwise standard one-piece swimsuit, fold it up a few times, and then hand scissors to a small child, instructing them to fashion the swimsuit into a snowflake pattern.  Voila…

… The Monokini. This is Target’s horizontal stripe version. Horizontal stripes aren’t for you? No worries, they also have it in slimming plaid:

Now you’re thinking (or hoping) that this is just an isolated case of Target making really gross fashion choices… but no. Here’s what Victoria’s Secret had to offer:

Yeah, you saw it. Zebra.  A little too rumble in the jungle for ya? They also have something in all black. But what it lacks in grotesque pattern, it more than makes up for in grotesque cut:

The winning swimsuit, though, comes to us from Venus Swimwear:

…because at least it’s green. If I’m resigned to wear something that actually showcases my love handles, it should at least come in my favorite color. Green brings out my eyes. And when I wear this, I want people looking nowhere else but the eyes. And here I was really hoping that tankinis and capris could somehow stay in style forever…

6 Comments »

1. Since I became a mom, I’ve resigned myself to the swimsuit with the skirt that begins right under my boobs and goes to my knees, because nope, nothing to see here!

   Comment by Leslie — March 14, 2008 @ 4:43 pm

2. At least you have options. Everything that would fit me looks like it was made for a grandma.

   Comment by Sam — March 15, 2008 @ 5:13 am

3. I’m sure one can move around, with all that support…

   Those are ridiculous!

   Comment by Lisa Milton — March 15, 2008 @ 6:06 am

4. Oh sure!! I can just see Mom, or Sister, or Aunt Whomever having a rollicking good time jumping, splashing, and enjoying a relaxed and fun time in the surf whilst wearing one of those gimmicks. Do these “fashion” geniuses really believe that all women are looking to posing poolside as their water sport? HELLO!

   Comment by John-Michael — March 16, 2008 @ 11:41 am

5. Luckily, I’ve decided that I hate all things water-related. Although if I must venture into a hot tub, I throw fasion to the wind and sport my practical & somewhat flattering tankini.

   I appreciate your solidarity in this matter

   Comment by stephanie — March 16, 2008 @ 2:23 pm

6. Paige and I both agree — uuuuggggghhhhhhg-ly! I truly was thinking the other day if it’d be an acceptable fashion mode to wear the 1920’s neck to knees suits (minus the horizontal stripes, of course)made of an infomercial type “body shaper” that would drag ALL THIS (pointing up & down the contours-if I dare call these contours) back to their original locations! Anybody there with me?
   luv, mom

   Comment by Mom — March 28, 2008 @ 5:08 am

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