11:12 amLike,
I love looking through parenting magazines, finding cool products that didn’t even exist 10 years ago when I was pregnant with my first kid. And the things that were around then have been really improved upon. Like, the regular old monitor that I had with Jachin that only let me hear what was going on in his room? How on earth did I make due with that ancient thing? Because now there are monitors that feature full color video surveillance of the crib and surrounding area plus an alarm that sounds if baby’s heart rate or breathing become questionable. And even the Boppy, which I believed was heaven sent with both of my other kids, has been made better by now having washable slip-covers (okay, that really was a smart improvement). Things that used to only swing or bounce, now swing/bounce/vibrate/sooth/heat/cool/dry and feature alternating music and nature sounds, plus dangling colorful animals and geometric shapes.
Awesome.
But when I came across an ad for this thing… well, I had to draw the line somewhere.
Meet the Easy Expression Bustier :
For moms who are far too busy to hold a breast pump. Because, as a busy mom, how many times have you found yourself in a situation — much like the busy mom pictured above — where you had to hold the phone in one hand and hold a book open with the other hand? I mean, forget bluetooth or speakerphone… those are such a hassle! And possibly cause brain cancer. Just strap this puppy to your boobs and go about your ultra-busy day like lactating isn’t even an issue! Go on, vacuum! Make important phone calls! Flat-iron your hair! Get the mail! Okay, maybe not get the mail..
There is also a halter version that is apparently good for when you are reading the newspaper and doing light yoga stretches:
The main scenario that played in my head when I first imagined using this thing was me, standing at the sink, loading the dishwasher with a bunch of dishes that could not wait until I was done pumping, and then having my kids come in from school, and I would turn to greet them, and ask them about their day, and they would freak out over their milk-squirting cyborg mom standing in the kitchen with bottles dangling from her chest, beeping and churning. Because no where in the product description does it mention anything about it being “whisper quiet”. So of course I imagine all of these pumping, churning, robot sounds that would be emanating from the boob area.
Like a Borg. From Star Trek.
But scary Seven of Nine, not hot Seven of Nine.
Welcome home, kids! How was your day? Whir, swish, beep, chug.
Y’know, I think the dishes and phone calls can just wait…
(hilarious post-script: Jachin walked in, looked at the picture, and said, “What the crap is that thing? It milks you??” He may be scarred for life… but I’m laughing my butt off.)
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I’m not even gonna lie, that would’ve been really useful when I had my kids. There were times when I would be pumping and my kids would be crying and there was nothing that I could do about it because my hands were already full and then I would stress out that they were crying and then my stress level would make the milk stop flowing. It would’ve been helpful to be able to hold my kids while pumping.
Comment by Aunt Sam — December 10, 2008 @ 3:46 pm
I love those ads. They are so serene and yet so sci-fi.
Great post.
Comment by Lisa Milton — December 10, 2008 @ 4:24 pm
For transparency sake…This is Uncle Sam…So you know this discussion is going to go down hill faster than an 90 year old woman who’s bra strap broke. Especially if she’s been pumping away with the double barreled suck-o-matic most of her child-bearing life.
This sort of blurs the line between motherhood and vending machine doesn’t it? Is there a slot on it anywhere that takes ones and fives?
There is too much white on it. Perhaps if they sold ad space as well, it would not look so plain. Something with a baby and a milk mustache, and the line below it stating “Got Milk?”
And then, you’ve got the “I’m natural” breast feeding radicals. I call them Mamiacs (brest-feeding maniacs). They are the women who decide to push the issue by breast feeding while bearing their testimony in church. It wouldn’t be so bad, but they decide to START breast feeding while bearing their testimony.
Next up, the double breast pump in public! I can hardly wait!! I can already hear the poor TSA guy at the airport.
TSA guy: Ma’am…you will have to go back through the metal detector and run those through the x-ray machine
Mamiac: This is natural, and I have rights. That machine will destroy all my precious milk. I will not feed my kids “nuked” food!!
TSA guy: You use a microwave don’t you? And while we’re at it, is that more than three fluid ounces?
At this point the Mamiac turns into a quasi-Taliban and goes balistic. So, I will leave the rest of the altercation to your imagination.
By the way, can teenagers use those to give themselves hickeys? It sure is more fashionable than the vacuum!
Maybe that thing over “hot” Seven-of Nine’s left eye is the bill slot?? I’ll never know.
Comment by Joan — December 10, 2008 @ 5:32 pm
This may be the best blog/post you have ever written. I was so excited to have Tom read it, btw, he loves your blog. This one is better than your suave product winning blog. LOVE IT! You wanna hang tomorrow? I’m free tomorrow, and all next week. Seriously, call me, I’ll come over and ummm we can ummmm yeah - do something. I have been alone with my kids for about 14 days, please…..HELP!
Comment by shahara — December 11, 2008 @ 7:43 pm
The REALLy weird thing is, I know a couple of guys who would love that thing. I mean, as in wearing it.
Not me of course, but I know people. Maybe I just hang out with weird people. Ok, shutting up now.
Comment by Grimm — December 13, 2008 @ 4:07 am
@Grimm- Does Leslie have one of these? Be honest… And if so, do you wear it around the house?
Comment by admin — December 13, 2008 @ 10:16 am
Another gem - totally hilarious! How in the world have I survived up to this point without a halter-pumper?
Comment by Heather — December 13, 2008 @ 1:06 pm
Man, my best friend & I just read this and are crying with laughter. The image of you, gorgeous and hot-momish as you are otherwise, with the hands-free pump is absolutely hilarious. As is Jachin’s response.
Comment by stephanie (bad mom) — December 23, 2008 @ 8:36 pm