11:33 amBecause
See these tasty things here:
These delicious things are the spawns of Satan. Because I guess the devil is made of licorice. Who knew?
Why all the evilness, you ask? Because I can’t frickin stop eating them. I eat bags of them. And I wish I was joking when I say I eat “bags of them”, but I literally eat bags of them. It is easy to hop in the car and drive down the street to Rite Aid, where I will purchase several bags at a time. The daytime cashier knows me now. We have an odd relationship. She rings me up and gives me that look like, your butt is visibly wider than it was when you were in here two days ago. But she says nothing except, “Will there be anything else for you?” And she knows the answer is no. She knows that I only came in for the Pull-N-Peels. But it’s in her Rite Aid Employee Contract to ask. One of these days I will totally yank her chain. When she asks, “Will there be anything else for you?” I will say, “Yes, these Tic Tacs here.” And her jaw will drop and she will be taken aback, and she’ll say, “Really?” And I’ll say, “No, not really. Sheesh. Just ring up the frickin licorice already.”
But I can’t stop doing it.
I. Can’t.
I have tried. I went to Jon last week, with much hesitancy — much like a suburban housewife would reluctantly go to her doctor when she’s finally decided to confront her prescription pain pill addiction.
“Honey,” I said to him through the shower door, “I need for you to not let me eat any more Pull-N-Peels.”
“What?” he asked, shampoo running into his eyes.
“I can’t stop eating Pull-N-Peels. And I’m not even kidding. I am addicted to them. And you can’t let me buy any more.”
“Ok,” he said, surely trying to figure out how he could possibly enforce such a thing. Then he said, “Don’t buy any more.”
“Ok. Thanks.”
Whew… that was done.
But two days later I found myself back at Rite Aid, being rung up by my judgmental dealer. “Will there for anything else for you?”
I threw Tic Tacs at her.
And that night as I sat in bed, eating Pull-N-Peels, Jon walked in and said, “I thought you weren’t going to buy any more of those.” But his eyes said to me, your butt is visibly wider than when you asked me not to let you buy any more of those. And I looked around, but I couldn’t find any Tic Tacs to throw at him (if only I had actually bought some, instead of throwing them at the cashier’s head). But I couldn’t be mad, because he was only trying to enforce what I’d asked. So I just got all sulky and passive aggressive and tied my Pull-N-Peel into a noose and ate it.
I then came up with a brilliant plan. I figured that if I ate enough of them, I would eventually become sick of them and then it would be easy to stop eating them. I would now eat as many of them as I physically could! Well, a bag and half later, all I had done was successfully ingested 1,800 calories and made myself a little thirsty.
I’m working on a Plan B.
Oh, and if Pull-N-Peels are the spawns of Satan, then these are the spawns’ cousins:
Because apparently the devil’s brother is a big, evil Goldfish. Who wears a helmet when riding a bike.
When I am out of Pull-N-Peels, I eat these by the truck-load.
Sure, they look cute. Sure, they claim to be Made With Whole Grain! But don’t be fooled. They will do just as much widening of the arse as a bag of Pull-N-Peels any day. When eaten in bulk-like quantities. Which I will invariably do. Because Satan will tell you nothing of portion control.
But one of these days I will shock the crap out of the Rite Aid cashier. In a few weeks, when the snow melts, and the air warms, and the spirits lift, she will ask me, “Will there be anything else for you?” And I will hand her a bottle of Zantrex-3, some running socks, and a water bottle, while I tell her of my plans for an afternoon run.
And just maybe I’ll get some Tic Tacs… for fresh breath and ammunition.
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Ok - this is better than the pumpkin pie blog - only b/c I am sitting in bed eating Sour Jacks - which btw Tom orders for me on-line. I can only find them at Carmike movie theatre, so amazon.com is where my heroin comes from. I’ll join you in the spring for the Zantrex-3.
Comment by shahara — January 28, 2009 @ 6:02 pm
HAHA Oh my goodness! This is hilarious! Suz, you look great and have nothing to worry about! I love Pull-N-Peels just as much as you do, only I have no money to indulge in the purchase of them. Sam bought me a bag a couple days ago, and they were gone in about an hour. So don’t feel bad, if I had more money I’d be right there with you.
Comment by Leah — January 28, 2009 @ 7:01 pm
You’ve got plans, I can tell. This will all work out in your favor, without you having to go to jail for assault with a deadly Tic Tac.
Comment by stephanie (bad mom) — January 28, 2009 @ 8:31 pm
It must be in the genes!!! You Uncle Sam loves twizzlers, too, though I don’t think he’s tried the pull-n-peel. He’s more of the “traditional” twizzler kind of addict. Oh, and he LOVES pumpkin pie, too.
Comment by Joan — January 29, 2009 @ 4:59 am
Oh, this made me laugh! Because it was brilliantly written and I’VE SOOOO BEEN THERE.
Comment by Leslie — January 31, 2009 @ 9:21 pm