6:06 amJust
Imagine with me for a moment:
Imagine a morning when things are just plain old gray and cold and slowww…. Like, everything is moving slow. The air is moving slow. Time is moving slow. But most of all your kids are moving slow. And slowing things down even more is the fact that there is not a single drop of Diet Coke in the house. Not. A. Drop. Now imagine that you without morning caffeine is a disaster.
Are you imagining?
And so you offer your late children a ride to school because it is so dang gray and cold… and also because if they took their scooters they would end up approximately something like 2 3/4 hours late for school at the slow rate they are moving. Imagine that you offer them a warm ride because you are a nice-ish mom. So you open the car to put the cold baby in his car seat only to remember that his car seat is sitting on the garage floor because you had to take it out yesterday to fold the seats down to load a giant piece of plywood to take to the school for Lego Club… And so then begins the 10 minute process of installing his car seat while the cold baby whines and squirms in the other kids’ arms, and the other kids try to cover the cold baby’s ears so that the cold baby will not hear his mother swearing at and beating the dumbest car seat ever created.
You still with me?
Now we’re imagining that when you finally have the car seat installed and the kids piled in and the scooters thrown in the back, the neighbor kids show up. And so there is a little more rearranging of crap in the back and another seat is folded up and another kid enters the vehicle and then finally you exit your driveway… something like 4 hours after you initially offered your kids a ride to school… and you still really want a Diet Coke.
And as you pull up in front of the school, nodding at the neighbors you know, you realize that you are not wearing a bra and it is really, really cold outside. So you zip up your coat… just as you hear your daughter wail to your son “Why didn’t you get my shoes like I asked you to?”
And then as you are driving your daughter back to the house to get her some shoes, you listen to her ask over and over, “Mom, are you mad?” And you make yourself say, “No, I’m not mad,” over and over. Even though we are imagining that you are pretty mad.
Also, you still aren’t wearing a bra. And you notice in the rear view mirror that overnight your eyeliner and mascara have smeared halfway down your face. Similar to Alice Cooper. And you haven’t brushed your teeth yet.
Actually, you are pretty disgusting. Really. Just imagine.
And when your daughter runs into the house and gets her shoes, and you glance at the clock and realize that there is no possible way short of teleportation to get her to school on time, you devise the plan to get yourself a Diet Coke.
Without subjecting any more people to Utah’s own hairy-toothed Alice Cooper without a bra.
And as you drive past the school, you explain to your daughter that she is already late for school and therefor it is just fine if she is a little bit later. And you drive to the gas station… pretty giddy over your smart plan to get yourself a caffeine fix without leaving the vehicle. Imagine that you think you’re pretty smart.
Now imagine that you pull into a space outside the gas station and start pulling change from the ashtray just as your daughter begins to open her car door. And — pay attention now, because suddenly the slowwww moving time of the morning jumps to light speed and the following events happen in 2.4 nanoseconds — you notice that there is a car parked really close next to you. So just as you say, “Careful, don’t hit the car next to you”, your daughter kicks open her car door with the force of a pissed-off mule and slams the car next to you.
Which has a man inside.
I know, it’s totally painful, but imagine…
And as he looks over at you and mouths a curse word, you instruct your daughter to now close her car door. And as the man exits his car to inspect the damage, you realize that his car is actually a new, shiny car… in fact, you can almost make out the rectangle outline of where the sales sticker was on his window glass.
And as you roll down your window and ask him if it’s dented (D’uh, Alice Cooper, it’s frickin dented), your daughter asks you repeatedly, “Are you mad, mom?” And the guy says, “Uh, yeah, it’s dented.” And you apologize and offer to give him your insurance info as he licks his finger and rubs his new, shiny car. But he takes a look at your daughter on the verge of tears, and then he takes another look at you — looking like something that crawled back from the cusp of hell — and he envisions you beating your poor daughter over an insurance claim. So he says, “It’s fine,” and drives his shinyexceptforthatonedent car away.
…just imagine…
And as your sweet daughter brings you out your Diet Coke from the gas station, you tell her to keep the change. And then you really wonder if it may just be time to give up the morning caffeine thing…
Seriously. It may be time.
Also, imagine that while you finish typing a blog post about your crazy morning, you hear your baby splashing in the potty back the hall.
Just imagine.
11 Comments »
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Hahahh! Love it! Thanks for sharing.
PS. Its 11:17, still no bra on here either. I think I’ll get around to it sometime before we go to my Sis-in-laws B-day dinner.
Comment by Dorothy — October 28, 2009 @ 6:38 am
lol, lol, lol, lol. That sounds AWSOME!
Comment by Alice Holyoak — October 28, 2009 @ 6:47 am
I can always count on you for some side-splitting laughs! Touche’ you’ve done it again! Have a great day…you’ve sure made mine brighter!
Comment by Joan — October 28, 2009 @ 7:37 am
Wow. This makes my bad morning seem not so bad.
Comment by Leslie — October 28, 2009 @ 6:27 pm
What a visual! I love how you’re having your daughter score your fix for ya! =) I see a law and order episode coming.
Comment by Diana — October 29, 2009 @ 9:14 am
I think you need takeout caffeine. Poor Alice.
Comment by Lisa Milton — October 29, 2009 @ 2:25 pm
I am never out, the last time I was out I sent Marisa over to your house, why on this planet earth didn’t you just stop by and take a look at me in the morning, bra-less, and disheveled, and house awry, and cold, very cold can in hand to greet you? WHY WOMAN WHY?
BTW - you are entering this in a contest of some sort right? It’s excellent writing, and I’m sharing it with everyone I know.
Comment by Shahara — October 30, 2009 @ 5:06 pm
That is me every morning. Except without the caffeine, but with a lot more yelling. Maybe I should try caffeine? Maybe I would yell less…
Comment by Jenna — October 31, 2009 @ 6:46 am
So, I really did Laugh out Loud, especially when I got to the guy surveying the scene in your car and deciding why it was a better idea NOT to take your insurance card…Still smiling!
Sorry your morning sucked…but thank you for sharing!
Comment by Nerak — October 31, 2009 @ 4:50 pm
oh, how do i love thee.
xoxo
Comment by jenica — November 9, 2009 @ 7:51 pm
O my gosh, I have never taken very much time away from my work to read something like this. But girl, you are hilariouse. I have been laughing my bum off so hard. BTW, Life is like one tragity after another when you are a mom. Haaahaa, this post is like how my whole day goes sometimes. Love it love it!
Comment by Kristen — November 14, 2009 @ 10:56 am