Randy, my man… my dawg… we need to have a talk.

You’re a decent guy. You’ve helped bring fame, money, celebrity, and excess (and one or two record deals) to young people who would have otherwise never found such things.

But you and your outbursts of fake percentages — good night! — it needs to stop.

When you say things like, “Yes! One hundred million, three hundred, and a thousand percent YES!”… you sound like there is an 85% chance that you failed 4th grade math.

Here are some examples of real percentages. Please take notes.

* You are 70% nicer than Simon, 95% less crazy than Paula, and 85% more masculine than Ryan Seacrest.
* You have approximately 40% less body fat than you did in season 1.
* Simon has approximately 15% more.
* Victoria Beckham’s bony clavicles are only 35% less deadly than Chinese throwing stars.
* Victoria Beckham weighs 300% more than a teacup chihuahua, which equals roughly 10 lbs.
* Despite all of my snarky comments, I am 45% jealous of Victoria Beckham.
* I can only name 20% of the people who have won American Idol… and one of them I’m only aware of because he lives 15 minutes from my house.
* 75% of the people who audition are terrible singers. You judges will humiliate and crush the spirits of 100% of them.

Now, after looking at these examples of actual percentages, let’s take another look at one of your exuberant “percentages”:

“I like you! You got something. I’m going to say yes… two thousand, million, and forty-six hundred percent YES!”

Let’s put this in terms you’ll easily grasp. Could a person sell two thousand, million, and forty-six hundred records? No, they couldn’t. Not even a really super-duper awesome singer. Because “two thousand, million, and forty-six hundred” is a fake number.

From now on, dawg, if you really like a singer, go no higher than 100% when voting them through to Hollywood. They will be just as happy and jump up and down just as much, and screech and fling around their yellow ticket just as wildly.

I’m a billion, thousand, and ninety-eight percent sure.

3 Comments »

1. Randy’s fake percentages drive me 82% crazy. And this post is 100% funny.

   Comment by Jenna — January 18, 2010 @ 2:05 pm

2. You are so hilarious! I love reading your posts. My life would be dull indeed without your wit. Have a super day!

   Comment by Diana — January 19, 2010 @ 6:09 am

3. So funny and so true, hehe.

   Comment by Alice Holyoak — January 19, 2010 @ 8:41 am

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